Audacious

Audacity has been defined as “intrepid boldness, a resolve to be bold.” “Such audacity!” It might be considered your grandmother’s way of telling you you’ve overstepped the line. It can also be the courage one shows in the face of fear.

I have been dealing with fear for quite some time, but especially within the past year. I have tried to analyze what, exactly, I am afraid of. Some of these things I thought I had effectively handled years ago, but I find tonight that the only thing effective is my capacity for denial. I am afraid of the loneliness that makes every evening drag from dinner to bedtime, and a lonely bedtime at that. I am afraid of purposelessness, my purpose stolen by this disease that is eating my joints, deferring my dreams, and making every day a challenge. I am afraid of looking idiotic, having someone look at me with raised eyebrows and saying, “She’s gone a little off the deep end.”

The problem is not the fear itself so much as the paralyzing effect it has on my life. I need to deaden the fear of loneliness. Some might call it self-medicating. Not with alcohol or drugs, as some might do, though my addiction is no less destructive. My thought life creates a cycle of a momentary release of boredom, fleeting pleasure, and long-lasting guilt. But I don’t want the guilt any more than I want the loneliness, so the cycle begins again. I don’t show up at work with bloodshot eyes. My finances are not ruined by an increasingly expensive habit. My life is not in danger. My heart and soul, though, are dying all the way to heaven.

The fear of losing my life’s purpose compounds the loneliness, or perhaps it is the other way around. No matter, really. As I face the real possibility of another surgery, which may leave me less mobile than I am now, I stare at a future lived from my recliner chair. The short taste I had of that last year, while I recovered from my first (2) surgeries, nearly drove me mad. I cannot fathom a lifetime of such useless, time-wasting nonsense. That’s not living. And so I am paralyzed with fear at the thought of seeing another doctor.

And the fear of looking silly? That keeps me from seeking what my heart truly wants, because if I give it everything I’ve got, if I live with passion and all-consuming fire, what will they think of me? And so I don’t seek that which my heart desires.

God. God is the answer to all three of these fears. I am sure I have only scratched the surface of what truly frightens me, but I have no doubt God is the answer to those fears, too.

Intimacy with God. We were made for this. God created mankind in His image, with the intention of sharing perfect fellowship with us. We screwed it up. And now we travel this earth looking for and seeking fellowship and intimacy and mostly looking in the wrong places. David wrote about this fellowship with God, and, indeed, he is the only human God ever describes as “a man after God’s own heart.” That is what intimacy is, whether with a person or the perfect Creator: seeking that person’s heart. What makes them tick? What makes them happy, sad, angry? How do they like to spend their time? Intimacy never happens in a vacuum. There must be communication of a sort, either the written word or the spoken word. Time spent together. Intimacy with God chases the loneliness away like the sun chases the shadows.

Intimacy with God will fulfill my purpose. My life’s purpose is not marriage and motherhood, or teaching middle schoolers the importance of the American Constitution, or earning money so that I can preserve my personal independence. My purpose is to know God and to make Him known. He already knows me, but these unpleasant experiences and trials help me to know Him more fully, and I need to seize every opportunity that these unpleasant circumstances open for me, to present the glory of God to the people around me.

Intimacy with God will take care of the fear of looking ridiculous, because when the Creator and Savior of my soul smiles and says, “Well done, My good and faithful servant,” will I really care what everyone else thought of me?

Audacity does not mean an absence of fear. It means standing in front of that fear and saying, “Bring it on.” In her LivingProof Simulcast 2015, titled “Audacious,” Beth Moore put it this way: Audacity is all about guts and glory. Have the guts to step out, and give God all the glory.

Tonight I am lonely. I want a companion, a friend, the love of my life. Oh Lord Jesus, You are the Lover of my soul. You love me so much. Help me to understand how wide and deep and tall and long is Your love for me! Meet me here in my quiet apartment. Speak to me through Your word, and help me to listen to it, read it, spend time with You. Help me be audacious in my desire to seek You.

Tonight I worry about a lack of purpose and what that means for my future. I am chuckling now: I just thought, “What if my hands become completely useless and good for nothing?” I thought it but hadn’t yet typed it. And while I am writing this whole piece, I am listening to Stephen Curtis Chapman’s CD Speechless. The song that just started? “Whatever.”

I made a list, wrote down from A to Z

All the ways I thought that You could best use me

Told all my strengths, and all my abilities

I formed a plan, it seemed to make good sense

I laid it out for You, so sure You’d be convinced

I made my case, laid out my defense

But then I read the letter that You sent me,

It said that all You really want from me

Is Just whatever.

Whatever You say

Whatever

I will obey

Whatever

Lord, have Your way

‘Cause You are my God, whatever.

So strike a match, set fire to the list…

So yes, Lord, help me to face the loss of mobility with grace and dignity and pointing to You for every task I can accomplish; for every word I can speak to declare Your Greatness; for every day that I can spend on this earth, knowing You and making You known.

And, God, while we’re at it, let me pursue a relationship with You with such passion, fervor, and complete devotion that people shake their heads in wonder and say, “She is completely consumed by her love for Jesus.” I need not fear, this or anything else, “for you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons [and daughters] by which we cry out, ‘Abba! Father!’…for I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory to be revealed in us.” Romans 8: 15 and 18

Bring it on. I am audacious!