5 Ways to Build Friendships

When I was a young Christian, a had a wise mentor. Betty Granger was the mother of the young man who led me to Christ, and over the next several years, she endeavored to teach me the art of discipleship: prayer, Bible study, church attendance, service, and community. When I was looking to find "my place" in the church, I said there was no place for me. I was young, single, no kids, and our church seemed family-focused and I felt left out.

"If you can't find your niche, make one," Miss Betty said.

The basic idea there is to initiate, to start the ball rolling. And that advice has served me well over the years, not just in ministry but in many areas. Often when dealing with people, they don't know what we need or want or expect or hope for. If I feel left out, it may not be that the others are excluding me; they may just not know I am interested.

So...initiate. Carve your own niche.

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What does this have to do with Friendships? Challenge 2016 is all about priortizing people, which means building relationships. But without the helpfulness of a teacher sitting you next to Johnny every day of the school year for years on end because your last names start with the same letter, how does one build friendships?

1. Initiate

We've already touched on this, but what does it look like practically? Approach someone in the church lobby and ask if they'd like to grab a cup of coffee sometime. Join a group of people with similar interests. (I joined 2 groups on meetup.com, and that is a great way to meet people!)

But the importance of initiating isn't lost once you have a friendship established. So often in our busy lives, we focus on the right now and the vitally important, or just the immediately important. But time with friends needs to be scheduled! Send a text or an email. Give a call. "Hey, you busy Friday afternoon? Let's grab coffee." It doesn't have to be an all-night gab session. But it is important to spend time with people in order to maintain relationships.

2. Dig Deeper

When we are focusing on the immediately important, it is easy to keep a conversation on the surface. We don't have the time to lay it all out there, so we don't. But just like roots of a tree that can't dig into the ground to find water will wither away when the drought comes, so our friendships will wither and blow away if we don't dig deeper. Ask your friend, "What are you struggling with? How can I pray for you?" And be willing to share your own struggles, too!

3. Be wise

Sometimes we need help and advice, and sometimes we just need someone to listen. Deciding when each is required can be difficult, so don't be afraid to ask. Gently.

As you develop friendships, as you get to know another person and their struggles, you may see warning signs of impending failure. Sin. I value my closest friends, who don't hesitate to call me out, but be wise here, too. At first, it may be better to pray for a situation and a tender heart in your friend before they are willing to listen to your confrontation. And, always, do so in love!

4. Pay Attention

If you're old enough, you may remember a time before answering machines. If you called but no one was home, it rang and rang, and you would have to call back later or they wouldn't know you had called at all! Then we got answering machines, and that meant you expected a call back. Now we have cell phones that we carry with us, and so we often expect people to answer always and immedately.

I promise, the world will not end if you don't answer your phone.

When you are sitting down for coffee with your friend, put the phone down! Don't answer it when it rings. Better yet, silence the phone. Now, there are exceptions, of course. Parents may want to keep the phone handy in case the school calls. Sometimes I am waiting for my doctor's office to call back, and at such times I'll simply say, "I'm waitng for an important call, so if it rings I have to answer." But that is the exception, not the rule.

If I've set time aside to meet with you, I want your attention. Listening and partipating in the conversation without distractions lets the other person know they are valued!

5. Follow Up

A friend of mine was saying recently that she has moved to a new church location; her church has multi-site minstry, and she has joined the newest site for Sunday worship as well as for small groups. She was saying that this small group has really welcomed her, and one of the most important things to her was that they follow up -- if she mentions a prayer need, say a work meeting she'll have on Tuesday, people from her small group will call or text Tuesday evening to ask how it went.

That's important. It says to your friend, "I'm listening to you and I'm thinking of you even when we're not together." Again, it makes a person feel valued.

So there are some ways to strengthen the relationships in your life, and here is a bonus:

Miss Betty was full of great advice. The second week I attended church at Macungie Baptist (now Macungie Christian Community), a little old lady bustled over to me. I remember distinctly that she wore a purple polyester jacket and skirt, with a purple gemstone flower pin on the lapel. Her name is Thelma Cox, called Tommy, and she is still a sweet, bustling lady! But I remember this was the second time I was there, because she came over to me at the time of greeting and said, "I saw you last week and I wanted to get over to say hello and I'm so sorry I didn't get over last week but I am so glad you're here!"

I told Miss Betty, years later, how much that had meant to me. Miss Betty said, "If that's what matters to you, then do that for someone else."

Carve your niche.