Gotcha!

Adoption is a big step for any family and often comes after months or years of trying to become pregnant, without success. As June is Adoption Month, I sat down recently with Mike and Debbie Barkley to ask them about their adoption story.

Mike and Debbie had been married for several years and wanted children, but it didn’t seem to be happening. Debbie’s mom suggested they consider adoption, to get their “minds on something else.” That small statement opened a door for Debbie and Mike and they began pursuing adoption right away. They went to a free seminar offered locally and signed up with their first agency. “I learned so much in that seminar,” Mike said. He learned about the different options, and he said it was especially helpful to learn what is expected with international adoption.

There are several options open to families looking to adopt. Domestic adoption is one, and within that are several more. A family looking to adopt an American child can also choose the race of the child. Another option is International adoption, and the family can choose the country of origin. Mike explained this option is sometimes more difficult, because of the regulations imposed by those countries. In the past several years, countries in Eastern Europe have halted international adoptions altogether, wanting to revamp and improve the systems within their own countries. But whether a family wants to adopt domestically or internationally, an agency will try to fit the family with the option that is best for them. Mike and Debbie chose to adopt domestically.

The process to adopt is long and not guaranteed. The Barkleys filled out the first form and read the fee schedule, when and how much they would pay the agency. They filled out health forms and had a case worker come to do a home study. When you are pregnant, somewhere around month 7, your friends throw you a baby shower, and that’s when your baby’s dresser is filled with clothes, and the linen closet is filled with bath supplies, and perhaps some people chip in to help with the expensive items like stroller and carrier and high chair. When you are adopting, all of that has to be in place beforehand.

And then you wait.

Debbie said one thing she felt unprepared for was the failed matches. The Barkleys experienced two failed matches before they found their son. With one of those matches, the birth mother was in her first or second trimester when she decided to give her baby up for adoption. But she hadn’t told her family, and when she finally did, the child’s grandparents stepped in to raise the child. Debbie and Mike were devastated. The second failure was “absolutely devastating,” Debbie said, “and this match caused us to think about taking a 6-month break from having our profile shown to birthmothers.” Their caseworker advised against that. And God in His perfect timing allowed the perfect match to go through at the six month mark. Debbie said, “If we had put it on hold for six months, we might have missed him.” Him. Their son.

He was born in Texas, and they flew down expecting to stay a few weeks until the paperwork was finalized. As it happened, they held him for the first time on a Monday and flew home at the end of the week. Just like any new parents, they took pictures and more pictures, in the agency offices, with the boy’s birthmother and her aunt, in the hotel room. Mike took a photo of Debbie holding him. Debbie took a photo of Mike feeding him. Their first family photo was in a local Target. He is in his car seat in the cart, Mike on one side and Debbie on the other, smiling. They asked a complete stranger to take the picture. Debbie said with the hospital and agency so close by, this probably wasn’t an uncommon occurrence; the woman barely batted an eye.

And then they came home.

Their adopted son is now 7 years old. I say “adopted son” only because a few years ago, Debbie became pregnant and they now have a 4 year old boy, too! The boys are very active and very sweet. That night we ate dinner on the back deck. Then the boys played in the yard while Debbie and Mike and I talked.

Debbie and Mike had some good advice for other families seeking to adopt. Debbie said, “Find another family that has adopted. Your family and friends have a vested interest and will be as heartbroken as you if it fails.” But someone from the outside can give you perspective and support you in a way your family can’t. Mike’s advice: keep good records of all the money you’ve paid: plane tickets and hotel rooms and restaurant meals, etc. You can claim these on your taxes, but the IRS can come back years later and demand to see proof.

Mother’s Day is the second Sunday in May, and of course Debbie loves to celebrate it! The family also celebrates National Birth Mother’s Day, which is the Sunday before. Their son’s birthday is in February, and they also celebrate his “Gotcha Day”.

I always enjoy spending time with the Barkley family, and I enjoyed hearing their story. It’s good to know that when a couple can’t conceive, there is another option. There are hundreds of children in the U.S., and thousands around the world, who are waiting for their Gotcha Day.